I have often found my faith swinging between that of a deeply rooted child of God to a more feral type, blowing in the wind like an inflatable man, dancing outside of a car resale lot. Sadly, if I were to be completely honest, my every-day “faithometer” resembles that inflatable man most often. It’s so easy to get caught up in what I can see, that I overlook the awesome power of the unseen; that still, small voice who is constantly guiding (sometimes pulling) me along. The good news is that every time I lean into His voice and take a step in His chosen direction, it becomes easier to move toward His calling the next time. Every time I yield, I become more and more familiar with His voice. Over time I have learned to rest my head on past experience (after flopping around a bit) as more trials take shape. Not every time, mind you, but most.
In the beginning there was so much He could have condemned me for. Thankfully, His focus seemed to be not on those things, but on guiding me into a relationship with Him. He showed me over and over again that I could trust Him, one step at a time. I began to choose paths that would have seemed insane to my pre-saved self, and they would always lead to a litter of blessings that fueled my next steps. One choice in particular stands out: I remember sitting behind my desk in a cozy office chair, listening to the clicking of keyboards drifting down the hall and laughter from coworkers gathered in the break room beside my tiny office. I was comfortable and my presence was appreciated. I was blessed to have found a position that came gift-wrapped in decent pay and benefits, but I also deeply loved my job and the people I worked with. So imagine my surprise when I found myself preparing to enter the office of my supervisor to give her my notice. The crazy nature of what I was about to do was not lost on me. But, based on all that I had experienced in prior years, He was about to do something, and I was being called to take this first step before He would show me more. The feeling was just too strong to ignore, no matter my apprehension.
A light-headed feeling briefly swept through, and I rubbed my protruding belly as I attempted to breathe myself back into a calm and collected state of mind. How was this going to work, exactly? Was I really about to walk into her office and let her know how sorry I was that I would not be able to continue to enjoy the financial benefit and stability that this position offered, so that we could scale down to a single income with heavy financial stress? (The enemy is well versed on where to focus pressure when believers are walking in obedience.)
My sweet, womb-wrapped boy kicked and rolled under my hand, as if to remind me what was really at stake. The past eight months had been spent seeking out a daycare that we could trust. Despite the effort, our hands remained empty and our stress level continued to increase, as his due date grew near. We could find no peace with any of the options that were in front of us. It seemed a bit hopeless, but looking back on it now I can see that it was actually quite simple. We had found no peace because that wasn’t the path He had laid out for us. It was His decision and my obedience. Our obedience.
A friendly voice sang through the air, letting me know that our conversation could now take place. I breathed deeply once more, my hand still on my active boy, gathered myself up and headed down the hall. I remember thanking Him for whatever it was He was about to do, even if the secretive nature of it all felt nerve wracking.
Behind closed doors, tears fell as I relayed the decision I had come to. I laid out my plan to stay long enough to train my replacement, as I wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to move on without me (I was a solidly rooted dancing man, blowing in the wind). Various scenarios of our financial demise played behind my tear-filled eyes while we spoke, but toward the end of our conversation I was overwhelmed with that feeling of peace that I had been missing. I had had my confirmation that this was the correct path. The fear reel playing in my head was simply not loud enough to overcome that.
With the conversation behind me, I once again settled into the cozy chair behind my desk. I made sure to take in the sounds of happy voices and the feeling of having a steady income. Leaving this job would not be easy. I tried to focus on work, but found myself drifting between that peace He had given me while talking with my boss, and the terror of knowing I was about to step out of a steady lifestyle.
When I drove home that evening, I began to mentally take stock of what we had and what our options would be, should this all fall through (still blowing in that wind of the unknown). I had deduced that, barring a miracle, we would have two months before I would have to find something part time that I could do in the evenings. He had led me to stay home, yes, but He had not shown the details of what that would look like, or what would be expected of me as it all played out.
It has now been fifteen years since choosing to walk the path of a stay at home mom, and I have reaped countless blessings from saying yes to Him. He has provided for us so well that the dreaded part time job was never really needed. I was able to stay home and raise my sweet baby, spend more time with my amazing daughters and even stepped out into the path of homeschooling. During this time, we were able to purchase a home, replace cars, and there has never been a moment when food was scarce or our needs weren’t met. He has been faithful every step of the way. There have absolutely been times when I have picked up a small job here or there to fill a gap, but even those have been brought directly to my door and have left a flurry of blessings surrounding them. All that has been required of me is to take that next step.
Life is fraught with enough pitfalls to make any sane (or insane) person question whether or not trusting an unseen Creator is a wise decision. There is, however, one thing that I look to when doubt creeps in; the endless trail of blessings that litters the path of my past steps. His faithfulness is the hand that guides my future choices.